Off to Work (aka off to his new life)
Well he left today. He took the last bag of clothes, our TV and the last three apples from the fridge (since I never came over to his side on the whole liking apples thing) and went off to work. Now as I write this his shift has ended and he's walking home to his new apartment and not home to me. Our pup is in the window looking for him because he always waits for his dad to come around the corner and no matter what I say to poor Henry he still sits and waits. Sorry my boy.....he won't be coming home again. Ever.
There is a lot of back story to all this. There is the eleven years we spent sharing our life, the four (almost five) years of marriage that included new jobs, graduate school, and a 3000 mile cross country move through some of the most boring places ever. There were moments of extreme joy and moments of horrible pain. But none of that matters anymore. Now don't get me wrong.....I'm not writing off the last eleven years as a waste or as years I want to forget. In fact the opposite is true. You see I'm only 27 years old (28 next week) and I grew up with this guy. When you start dating someone when you're 16 you've got a lot of history there. We grew up together. So I'm not saying the past eleven years meant nothing. I'm just saying they weren't enough to keep us together today. There was too much change. We are different people. We want different things. It sounds so stereotypical divorce. However I assure you that is where the similarities to normal divorces ends and where the what the fuck comments will begin.
I still love him. He still loves me. We say it at least once a day and often there are hugs or a quick kiss attached to it. He is still my best friend, my person and I am his. He is my biggest fan, my biggest supporter and my person who without a doubt knows me more than I even know myself. But he wanted out.....and that's why I'm here. Writing this all down and trying to not let the tears fall onto the keyboard as I type. If it were up to me I would still be happily married and leaving for Disney World tomorrow; a trip we had planned while he was planning how to break the news of divorce to me.
Tonight will be the first night I spend without him and I'm scared. I'm scared of the other side of the bed being empty and reaching for him and not having him there. I'm scared of not knowing if he is safe. Mostly I'm just scared that the sadness will overtake me and the tears won't stop coming. We may have agreed to stay family and still spend time together. We may have agreed to always be there for the other person. We may have agreed that this transition is being done with love and that no matter what we will get to a wonderful place on the other side. All those agreements don't change the fact that he is not coming home anymore and that for the rest of my life he won't be the last person I see or the first person I talk to each morning. It's only been seven hours and my heart already aches for him. I'm not sure a text goodnight will help ease it but I'm looking forward to at least keeping one part of my past life.....saying goodnight to someone I care about.
So that's why I'm here. This isn't a place where I will hold back how I feel or try and justify my decisions. You can agree or disagree with how I'm handling all this and I'm fine with that. What I do know despite all the tears and pain is that I am finally connected to how I truly feel. For the first time in a long time I'm not apologizing for letting people down or saying no. I'm not going to stop crying or go out unless I want to. Mostly I'm not going to justify to anyone why I still want this man in my life even after he's caused so much pain. That's between him and I. My plan is to blog each day- morning and night. You won't find a play by play of my day but rather my feelings, my goals, and my opinions. There will probably be some cute pictures of the pup and some links to my current shopping obsession (a side effect of getting divorced for me has been shopping, shopping, shopping!) Basically this is my journal and I'm making it public because you never know when something you say or something you've gone through will help another person. I have so much life ahead of me and I'm determined to get there.....
I still just wish it could have been with him.
There is a lot of back story to all this. There is the eleven years we spent sharing our life, the four (almost five) years of marriage that included new jobs, graduate school, and a 3000 mile cross country move through some of the most boring places ever. There were moments of extreme joy and moments of horrible pain. But none of that matters anymore. Now don't get me wrong.....I'm not writing off the last eleven years as a waste or as years I want to forget. In fact the opposite is true. You see I'm only 27 years old (28 next week) and I grew up with this guy. When you start dating someone when you're 16 you've got a lot of history there. We grew up together. So I'm not saying the past eleven years meant nothing. I'm just saying they weren't enough to keep us together today. There was too much change. We are different people. We want different things. It sounds so stereotypical divorce. However I assure you that is where the similarities to normal divorces ends and where the what the fuck comments will begin.
I still love him. He still loves me. We say it at least once a day and often there are hugs or a quick kiss attached to it. He is still my best friend, my person and I am his. He is my biggest fan, my biggest supporter and my person who without a doubt knows me more than I even know myself. But he wanted out.....and that's why I'm here. Writing this all down and trying to not let the tears fall onto the keyboard as I type. If it were up to me I would still be happily married and leaving for Disney World tomorrow; a trip we had planned while he was planning how to break the news of divorce to me.
Tonight will be the first night I spend without him and I'm scared. I'm scared of the other side of the bed being empty and reaching for him and not having him there. I'm scared of not knowing if he is safe. Mostly I'm just scared that the sadness will overtake me and the tears won't stop coming. We may have agreed to stay family and still spend time together. We may have agreed to always be there for the other person. We may have agreed that this transition is being done with love and that no matter what we will get to a wonderful place on the other side. All those agreements don't change the fact that he is not coming home anymore and that for the rest of my life he won't be the last person I see or the first person I talk to each morning. It's only been seven hours and my heart already aches for him. I'm not sure a text goodnight will help ease it but I'm looking forward to at least keeping one part of my past life.....saying goodnight to someone I care about.
So that's why I'm here. This isn't a place where I will hold back how I feel or try and justify my decisions. You can agree or disagree with how I'm handling all this and I'm fine with that. What I do know despite all the tears and pain is that I am finally connected to how I truly feel. For the first time in a long time I'm not apologizing for letting people down or saying no. I'm not going to stop crying or go out unless I want to. Mostly I'm not going to justify to anyone why I still want this man in my life even after he's caused so much pain. That's between him and I. My plan is to blog each day- morning and night. You won't find a play by play of my day but rather my feelings, my goals, and my opinions. There will probably be some cute pictures of the pup and some links to my current shopping obsession (a side effect of getting divorced for me has been shopping, shopping, shopping!) Basically this is my journal and I'm making it public because you never know when something you say or something you've gone through will help another person. I have so much life ahead of me and I'm determined to get there.....
I still just wish it could have been with him.
beautifully articulate, wonderfully written. I adore you and am thankful you've entrusted me with your story. I promise to honor you and support you forever and ever! love you lady and I can't wait to read more!
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