Opening Up
As a general rule I'm someone who opens up only when I need to. I'm extremely kind at work but I'm also extremely professional. With my friends I share when I feel it's right and withhold when I feel unsure or that I might be judged. I'm sure we all change how we share our feelings depending on the situation but in general I think people who know me most would agree that I'm pretty closed. Going through a divorce though, especially in the way I am where I want to stay friends with the ex, means opening up and staying open a LOT. Shutting down, running away, not sharing......it's not an option right now. I suppose that's why this blog is such a good thing for me. It allows me to share and be honest and check in with myself as a go through this transition. It forces me to address the tough stuff and will eventually allow me to go back to the start of this crazy journey and see just how far I've come.
The past few days have been rough. Between T-Swift killing me in the car yesterday and struggling to process things I'm not sure I'm ready for, I've been trying to figure out where I fit. I used to fit in a bed next to the man I love (still love him- just in a different, yet stronger, way). I used to be the dependable girl at work who always had the answer and now I'm the one who has taken a few too many personal days so close together. I used to be the married daughter who never really stood up to my parents and now I'm the daughter with something to say and I want to be heard. I used to be a lot of things and because of the roles I played I felt like I fit in different places. Now I'm just not sure.....I still have my family, my job, my person. I still have my pup and my friends and so much to look forward to. But where to I belong?
In the physical sense I have a new room setup that is growing on me each day. It's very zen, very relaxing, very clean.....very me. It's my retreat when the going gets tough but it's in my parents house and that means it's not entirely mine. That means that although I'm turning 28 in 4 days (ugh!) I still have the feeling of someone watching over me. My stuff only occupies one room. I feel trapped and I feel alone. What used to be a room I shared with the man of my dreams now is the room I share with the pup of my dreams. Not an entirely bad compromise but you get the idea. I also have the ex's new place- we are family and I have a key. He's offered and told me it's mine to use when I want to. I was over tonight and he's done a wonderful job. It's very adult bachelor pad and I love it. For him. But you see I had been dreaming of us moving out of my parents place and back into our own place. I had dreamed of taking the furniture that fills his rooms and filling our rooms. It feels so familiar yet so not mine. Perhaps with time I will feel better about it and frankly after the amazing conversation we had there tonight I already am warming up to the idea of snuggling into our cuddled chair with a glass of something strong and watching a movie. I'm almost there.
In the relationship sense I struggle a bit more with where I fit. I've had to redefine my relationship with the ex and although it is something miraculous and wonderful I still am adjusting to it being different. I've accepted the change but as he so clearly pointed out I have yet to fully appreciate the change. I need time. My parents have been supportive but they are also dealing with their own set of emotions. They've seen my pain, they've "lost" their son. But things don't have to be this bad- the ex and I both want to stay family and we hope they do also. They need to come around and the patience on my part is wearing thin but I also have to respect their process and realize they too need time. Friends of mine have been wonderful- supportive and trying their best to be present and say the right things.....even from 3,000 miles away. It doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. But now I'm the single friend. Something I have never really been. I was the first to get married. I was the one with the boyfriend from high school. I played a role and now I don't anymore. It's another adjustment that will take time.
Time. It's been both an amazing blessing and a horrible curse during this time in my life. I need more of it right now. I need to take time and process my emotions and figure out where I fit with the people I care about most. It's really hard to be in limbo. I like answers and I like knowing what's about to come and right now I have to trust others, trust the process, trust life in general that no more shit will be thrown my way. But you know what? I have to trust myself the most. I have to trust that I have the strength to deal with all this and come out in the future happier and more self aware than before. I have to trust that important people will keep their word and time will help with all of that. Time and trust. Both are hard things to deal with on the best of days- divorce only amplifies their importance.
I left you all with a song yesterday and I'll leave you with another one today. This is no longer a love song to me but rather a perfect representation of the transition I'm going through. This girl may not know where she fits or what's going to happen tomorrow but I'm not giving up. There is too much love in my life to not push through this time and see what's on the other side. Until tomorrow.....
The past few days have been rough. Between T-Swift killing me in the car yesterday and struggling to process things I'm not sure I'm ready for, I've been trying to figure out where I fit. I used to fit in a bed next to the man I love (still love him- just in a different, yet stronger, way). I used to be the dependable girl at work who always had the answer and now I'm the one who has taken a few too many personal days so close together. I used to be the married daughter who never really stood up to my parents and now I'm the daughter with something to say and I want to be heard. I used to be a lot of things and because of the roles I played I felt like I fit in different places. Now I'm just not sure.....I still have my family, my job, my person. I still have my pup and my friends and so much to look forward to. But where to I belong?
In the physical sense I have a new room setup that is growing on me each day. It's very zen, very relaxing, very clean.....very me. It's my retreat when the going gets tough but it's in my parents house and that means it's not entirely mine. That means that although I'm turning 28 in 4 days (ugh!) I still have the feeling of someone watching over me. My stuff only occupies one room. I feel trapped and I feel alone. What used to be a room I shared with the man of my dreams now is the room I share with the pup of my dreams. Not an entirely bad compromise but you get the idea. I also have the ex's new place- we are family and I have a key. He's offered and told me it's mine to use when I want to. I was over tonight and he's done a wonderful job. It's very adult bachelor pad and I love it. For him. But you see I had been dreaming of us moving out of my parents place and back into our own place. I had dreamed of taking the furniture that fills his rooms and filling our rooms. It feels so familiar yet so not mine. Perhaps with time I will feel better about it and frankly after the amazing conversation we had there tonight I already am warming up to the idea of snuggling into our cuddled chair with a glass of something strong and watching a movie. I'm almost there.
In the relationship sense I struggle a bit more with where I fit. I've had to redefine my relationship with the ex and although it is something miraculous and wonderful I still am adjusting to it being different. I've accepted the change but as he so clearly pointed out I have yet to fully appreciate the change. I need time. My parents have been supportive but they are also dealing with their own set of emotions. They've seen my pain, they've "lost" their son. But things don't have to be this bad- the ex and I both want to stay family and we hope they do also. They need to come around and the patience on my part is wearing thin but I also have to respect their process and realize they too need time. Friends of mine have been wonderful- supportive and trying their best to be present and say the right things.....even from 3,000 miles away. It doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. But now I'm the single friend. Something I have never really been. I was the first to get married. I was the one with the boyfriend from high school. I played a role and now I don't anymore. It's another adjustment that will take time.
Time. It's been both an amazing blessing and a horrible curse during this time in my life. I need more of it right now. I need to take time and process my emotions and figure out where I fit with the people I care about most. It's really hard to be in limbo. I like answers and I like knowing what's about to come and right now I have to trust others, trust the process, trust life in general that no more shit will be thrown my way. But you know what? I have to trust myself the most. I have to trust that I have the strength to deal with all this and come out in the future happier and more self aware than before. I have to trust that important people will keep their word and time will help with all of that. Time and trust. Both are hard things to deal with on the best of days- divorce only amplifies their importance.
I left you all with a song yesterday and I'll leave you with another one today. This is no longer a love song to me but rather a perfect representation of the transition I'm going through. This girl may not know where she fits or what's going to happen tomorrow but I'm not giving up. There is too much love in my life to not push through this time and see what's on the other side. Until tomorrow.....
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