Advice
When you tell people you are getting divorced you should expect people to have a lot to say about it. They will share personal stories, family stories, stories they heard on the internet, stories that sound like they were taken right from Sex and the City. Basically people will never shut up about it. And it's not that they just talk a lot. They try and tell you what you should do to "get over it" or "move on" or "forget about him". Yes, let me just erase the fact that he was who I woke up next to for 11 years. Yep. Good idea. There isn't enough vodka, whiskey, pot....you name it, there isn't enough of it anywhere in the world to make me forget about him so fuck you. I don't want to forget. They remain the absolute best years of my life. The ending doesn't change that. It's like people saying to Cinderella that the prince choosing her step sister instead of her wouldn't be a big deal. Don't worry Cinderella....just forget about him and move on. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
I've gotten advice from friends. Most of that has just been agreeing with me when I'm sad or agreeing with me when I'm angry. There have been some amazing compliments and some great conversations. Some of it has been support coming from a wonderful friend who unfortunately can relate. There have been a few really random quotes thrown around.....something about God and tears and angels (nice if someone died, I however was still very much alive but wanting to be dead when I received it) and my absolute favorite/I want to kill you for sending this to me.....
"Everyone knows you only get two great loves in your life" (Charlotte, SATC) followed by "but don't worry **** was only your first so you still have one left" Um WHAT?? A lot of whiskey has been consumed since receiving this.
I've also gotten advice from coworkers. This ranges anywhere from telling me the entire story about their brothers wife's sisters cousin getting divorced to telling me smiling will fix anything to leaving me printed articles about getting over your ex at my desk. Sorry folks- I'm pretty private and I didn't want anyone to know yet in just over a week everyone in the whole school knew. I don't want your stories or your articles. It's unprofessional and we aren't friends. Stop.
My parents have been respectful with the advice. Basically they just want me to do what I want. They don't get it.....they may never understand why I want him in my life so much still. My dad has had a tough time. He sees I'm hurt, he grew up as a kid with divorced parents and a father who remarried three times. It's messy and I get it. But overall they just want me to be happy. Every so often they joke about us getting back together or ask way to many questions about why I talk to him daily, etc. It's frustrating but they mean well.
However despite everyone being so full of advice I have really limited myself to advice from three sources. First, myself. I am the only one who knows what feels right and who knows what I need. For instance right now I need time with the ex. Time to just be. Time to sit and be quiet and know that he is there if I need to ask something or get a hug or just cry. I need his time right now. Second, I get advice from him. He knows me better than anyone so despite this crazy messy situation he gives the best advice about staying strong and true to myself. Third, the internet. Online is a vast world of articles, stories, blogs, lists.....you name it, it's there. I'm not a fan of therapy. I think it's a bit hokey and frankly I've always done better going straight to the source of the problem and dealing it with that person directly. But these articles I've found help put things into perspective and really allow me to question what I'm doing and check in with myself about this process and the changes it has brought to my life and myself as a person.
Wherever the advice may come from I know it comes from a loving place. I may not be able to see that place from where I'm at but I'm confident the people in my life only want whats best for me.
I will end tonight with one piece of advice for all of you.....if you find yourself with a friend who is going through a divorce please do the following things.
1) Send a card. Send flowers. Send something tangible that will bring a smile to her face, even if only for a split second. That may be the only smile she has all day. And don't just send it when she first tells you. Send it again a few months later and again a few months after that. Trust me. It will mean just as much as the first time.
2) Text a lot. Call rarely. Check in with her and be available to her if she wants to open up and talk. But don't call all the time and expect anything of her. She may not be ready. She may need to be alone. A text can wait and when I had days where I couldn't deal I knew it would still be there tomorrow.
3) Don't allow her to open up to you only to turn it around and make it about yourself. Her divorce is not a reason for you to get closer with your spouse or decide to have a baby. It's not reason for you to make it about you at all. She is broken. She is sad. She needs the one thing she can't have. She doesn't need you making it about you.
4) If you aren't going to be in it for the long haul then don't be in it from the beginning. Many friends were wonderful right off the bat but have since all but disappeared. Yes the shock is gone and yes I get through my days. But it's been less than 3 months. I'm still very much not ok. If you can't stick around that's ok but don't be another person to let her down.
5) If you aren't sure what to say, how to act, what to do.......just ask. Or just make it clear you are there and thinking about her. No one expects you to fix it but acknowledge that you wish you could.
There is a time and place for advice and I don't sit here thinking I've done everything perfectly and everyone agrees with me. But in a situation like mine where I have time and time again acknowledged that we are choosing love instead of hate don't give advice that goes against that. Just smile, laugh, love, and be there. I've found my voice through all this- I will tell you what I need and why. Don't you worry about that!
I've gotten advice from friends. Most of that has just been agreeing with me when I'm sad or agreeing with me when I'm angry. There have been some amazing compliments and some great conversations. Some of it has been support coming from a wonderful friend who unfortunately can relate. There have been a few really random quotes thrown around.....something about God and tears and angels (nice if someone died, I however was still very much alive but wanting to be dead when I received it) and my absolute favorite/I want to kill you for sending this to me.....
"Everyone knows you only get two great loves in your life" (Charlotte, SATC) followed by "but don't worry **** was only your first so you still have one left" Um WHAT?? A lot of whiskey has been consumed since receiving this.
I've also gotten advice from coworkers. This ranges anywhere from telling me the entire story about their brothers wife's sisters cousin getting divorced to telling me smiling will fix anything to leaving me printed articles about getting over your ex at my desk. Sorry folks- I'm pretty private and I didn't want anyone to know yet in just over a week everyone in the whole school knew. I don't want your stories or your articles. It's unprofessional and we aren't friends. Stop.
My parents have been respectful with the advice. Basically they just want me to do what I want. They don't get it.....they may never understand why I want him in my life so much still. My dad has had a tough time. He sees I'm hurt, he grew up as a kid with divorced parents and a father who remarried three times. It's messy and I get it. But overall they just want me to be happy. Every so often they joke about us getting back together or ask way to many questions about why I talk to him daily, etc. It's frustrating but they mean well.
However despite everyone being so full of advice I have really limited myself to advice from three sources. First, myself. I am the only one who knows what feels right and who knows what I need. For instance right now I need time with the ex. Time to just be. Time to sit and be quiet and know that he is there if I need to ask something or get a hug or just cry. I need his time right now. Second, I get advice from him. He knows me better than anyone so despite this crazy messy situation he gives the best advice about staying strong and true to myself. Third, the internet. Online is a vast world of articles, stories, blogs, lists.....you name it, it's there. I'm not a fan of therapy. I think it's a bit hokey and frankly I've always done better going straight to the source of the problem and dealing it with that person directly. But these articles I've found help put things into perspective and really allow me to question what I'm doing and check in with myself about this process and the changes it has brought to my life and myself as a person.
Wherever the advice may come from I know it comes from a loving place. I may not be able to see that place from where I'm at but I'm confident the people in my life only want whats best for me.
I will end tonight with one piece of advice for all of you.....if you find yourself with a friend who is going through a divorce please do the following things.
1) Send a card. Send flowers. Send something tangible that will bring a smile to her face, even if only for a split second. That may be the only smile she has all day. And don't just send it when she first tells you. Send it again a few months later and again a few months after that. Trust me. It will mean just as much as the first time.
2) Text a lot. Call rarely. Check in with her and be available to her if she wants to open up and talk. But don't call all the time and expect anything of her. She may not be ready. She may need to be alone. A text can wait and when I had days where I couldn't deal I knew it would still be there tomorrow.
3) Don't allow her to open up to you only to turn it around and make it about yourself. Her divorce is not a reason for you to get closer with your spouse or decide to have a baby. It's not reason for you to make it about you at all. She is broken. She is sad. She needs the one thing she can't have. She doesn't need you making it about you.
4) If you aren't going to be in it for the long haul then don't be in it from the beginning. Many friends were wonderful right off the bat but have since all but disappeared. Yes the shock is gone and yes I get through my days. But it's been less than 3 months. I'm still very much not ok. If you can't stick around that's ok but don't be another person to let her down.
5) If you aren't sure what to say, how to act, what to do.......just ask. Or just make it clear you are there and thinking about her. No one expects you to fix it but acknowledge that you wish you could.
There is a time and place for advice and I don't sit here thinking I've done everything perfectly and everyone agrees with me. But in a situation like mine where I have time and time again acknowledged that we are choosing love instead of hate don't give advice that goes against that. Just smile, laugh, love, and be there. I've found my voice through all this- I will tell you what I need and why. Don't you worry about that!
smiling fixes everything. haha. this was so good!! I loved every word, raw and honest and I could hear your voice in my head (which was my favorite part!) 64 days friend!!
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