Bad Day
It's been a bad day. I couldn't fall asleep last night which led to waking up not rested this morning. I had a list of things to do today on top of taking care of my mom who hurt herself and trying to stay in tune with my emotions. Long story short I didn't do all that well at anything. There were tears at 11am, 3pm, 7pm, and now again as I head to bed. I'm just sad. Sad for the life I wish I still had, sad for not having my pup with me (his night at his dad's), sad for not having the physical contact I'm craving....just a hug to make everything a little easier. I'm just sad and I don't know what it was about today but I let it overtake me and all my thoughts. I went to the place where everything isn't fair, where what I want isn't what I have. I let myself miss him and hurt and wish things were different. It's that damn wishing that always gets you. Wishing you weren't getting divorced will eat you alive if you let it. It's not a situation I have any control over. I cannot change what's happening. I can only control how I handle it and there is a fine line between handling the emotions and pushing them aside. I fear I may have pushed a few too many aside and they all came flooding back in today. Fuck. It's only been since Friday that he moved his stuff out, Sunday that he didn't sleep under this roof. It's 100% acceptable for me to be sad and cry and just not be ok. It's 100% ok for me to be that way for a long time. I just miss him. Even with quick visits and texts it's different and I'm not a fan of different. I like steady. I like being in control. I like knowing what is going to happen. I like love. And as much love as there still is floating around between us it doesn't change the fact that he is off hanging pictures that used to be on our walls on his walls.
He sent me a picture of him and the pup tonight- I was checking in to see how the evening was and it was sweet of him to send. It's a great picture.....him with his new haircut and the pup passed out next to him. On the chair we bought ourselves as our wedding present to each other. All I could think was I wish I was right between them. That's where I fucking belong and he took that away from me.
Friends, family, whatever we are.....today it isn't enough. Today I want my husband back and I want to cuddle with my family and just be happy. But as I said earlier, wishing is what always gets you. We don't live in a Disney movie. Instead it's more like a hit Taylor Swift song where the guy leaves and the girl is left to deal with all the love and dreams that were left behind with her.
Wow. I'm in a bad way. Tomorrow starts in just over two hours. Thank goodness for that.
He sent me a picture of him and the pup tonight- I was checking in to see how the evening was and it was sweet of him to send. It's a great picture.....him with his new haircut and the pup passed out next to him. On the chair we bought ourselves as our wedding present to each other. All I could think was I wish I was right between them. That's where I fucking belong and he took that away from me.
Friends, family, whatever we are.....today it isn't enough. Today I want my husband back and I want to cuddle with my family and just be happy. But as I said earlier, wishing is what always gets you. We don't live in a Disney movie. Instead it's more like a hit Taylor Swift song where the guy leaves and the girl is left to deal with all the love and dreams that were left behind with her.
Wow. I'm in a bad way. Tomorrow starts in just over two hours. Thank goodness for that.
Pets are so much more than animals in the house. They're our children, our livelihood. I can't imagine what it's like to have both of them gone. My situation is obviously very different and temporary, but with Dan and Penny both being in Japan I feel abandoned by my family. That feeling of just wanting a hug, some physical contact, is so raw and real. I know that feeling. Especially after a bad day. Like you I"m renting a room in the house of someone I love, and they offer hugs, but it's not the hug you want. Not THE hug. I want to encourage you to keep wishing. Keep dreaming. But instead of wishing the divorce wasn't happening, wish for that new day. The next love. The next good feelings. Falling asleep was the worst for me because I'd lay awake for hours with my thoughts. I found some comfort in rituals- teeth brushing, face wash, cozy jammies, a book, journaling, then when it was time to turn out the lights, I'd run through my day the next day. It helped. And be sad. You should be really sad- he hasn't even been gone a week! I found that instead of giving yourself 10 minutes a day to be sad, give yourself 10 minutes a day to be happy without him. Just 10. Garden. Make a to do list. Teach Henry a trick. Go for a walk and day dream about your fantasy apartment. You can be sad as soon as you get home. But maybe next week you'll have 15 happy minutes. Or maybe just 11. You'll figure it out ;)
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