Morning Thoughts

For the past six weeks I've woken up each morning with the same thought.....he's leaving you and he won't be here anymore. Now that's actually a reality. He did leave me and he isn't here anymore. This morning I woke up with a new thought.....it's over. Not in a super sad way but rather with a sense of relief that all the pain and all the struggle and all the back and forth of him moving out is now over. He spent the night at his place and I slept at mine and I'm still alive the next morning. The first night is over and there will never again be a first night without him.

My sadness and anxiety throughout this entire thing has always been connected to him not physically being here. Yes the end of the marriage is sad and yes the loss of all my dreams kills me if I think about it too long. But honestly it was the little moments, him coming home from work and Henry getting so excited, the bedtime sayings that we've shared for years, waking up and wanting him to be the first one I saw.....all of that is so much harder to let go. It made the act of him moving out my biggest stress and anxiety. But you know what? I made it. I helped him move his stuff into his place and get it setup. I watched him walk out the door yesterday knowing he wasn't coming home anymore. I fell asleep and woke up this morning without him. I did all that and I'm still alive and I'm still able to smile. What I thought would be my rock bottom was indeed hard but now I truly believe the worst is behind me. I'm not oblivious to the fact that there are some terrible days ahead. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, when I find out he's dating, when I just have one of those days where his hug would solve everything and he isn't there. There will be some bad days. But I got through the last couple and I can get through those also.

I talked with him last night before bed.....we had agreed to say goodnight and I needed to hear his voice and check in. Check in's are something we've done everyday since this all began. It's a simple "how are you really doing?" and it means so much that we still both care as much as we do. It was great to end my day with him as the last one I talked to but don't get me wrong. This isn't something I plan to do forever. Eventually another guy will be who I want to talk to each night and frankly I hope that's sooner rather than later (but that's for another post). For now a call or text feels right. For now seeing him every few days feels right. With the commitment we've made it may feel right to do those things forever. But I've learned through this entire thing that I don't want to assume and I don't want to predict. I want to be in the moment and check in and do only what feels right to both of us. I'm so blessed that I even have that option. I can't imagine going through a divorce where anger is also a part of it and where you just stop talking to each other. But than again.....each divorce story is different and some may not be able to imagine mine. As I said before, this is my life and my story and this morning I woke up feeling very thankful for that.