Decisions
It's been a rough couple of days. I say that knowing I probably could say that everyday and have it be true but right now I can honestly say that the last 48+ hours have been exhausting. My brain just won't turn off. The thoughts keep running through my head and without a time to share them with the ex for a check in, my note on my phone keeps growing and growing. I'm at the point where I'm not even sure sharing them makes a difference but it's habit and there is somewhere deep down that believes that if I put everything out there something might make a difference. I don't know. Am I rambling? I tell you....my brain is all over the place!
I am trying to make decisions that have purpose. With so many random thoughts it would be very easy to go from one thing to the next in hopes of it fixing me or filling a hole that can't be fixed. Shopping, although fun, is expensive and doesn't have a lasting feel good effect. TV numbs things enough to give my brain a rest but then the show ends and I'm flooded back with everything. Long story short I've been trying a lot of things, trying to change as little as possible, and it just isn't working. I thought if I kept as much the same as I could that it would be easier to deal with what was different. Problem with that is that everything is different. Being left, feeling alone, not having my person by my side......it changes you as a person. So it's impossible to remain the same.
Ugh. Have I mentioned that this sucks?
My decision today came after realizing that I was looking at the happiness in everyone else's life and feeling bad about all my shit. Facebook will do that to you. If you stop and think about it you will realize that there are two different kinds of people on Facebook. (1) The bragger. The person who only posts the best of their life. They make it look like a fairytale and if you don't stop and think about it you can start feeling REALLY bad about all things you don't have compared to them. (2) The complainer. This person posts about everything that's wrong in their life. How their sandwich was soggy, their job sucks, how sick they are again. For me this person makes me mad. I want to scream at them and say "You have no idea what bad looks like! Your cold coffee has nothing on my crappy divorce!". But.....it's Facebook. I don't have to be on it. I don't have to read what they post. It's really my fault for getting upset by something someone else posts. So my decision today was to say goodbye to Facebook. I need perspective. I need space. I need time. Life right now has to be about me. I work myself up enough as it is! I don't need some random person 3,000 miles away making me jealous of their lazy Saturday night cuddled up on the couch with their husband or the people who are celebrating anniversaries who got married the same year we did. Right now I'm not strong enough for all that.
But I am strong enough to realize I can control what I see and when. So goodbye Facebook.....it's been nice but I'm moving on. Whether by choice or not I'm changing and growing and realizing that it's ok to choose me. We live in a world of technology so Instagram will stay active, email will stay open. And of course there is always the old fashioned phone where you could take the risk and be extra personal and actually call someone up and say hi! What a thought.....
I am trying to make decisions that have purpose. With so many random thoughts it would be very easy to go from one thing to the next in hopes of it fixing me or filling a hole that can't be fixed. Shopping, although fun, is expensive and doesn't have a lasting feel good effect. TV numbs things enough to give my brain a rest but then the show ends and I'm flooded back with everything. Long story short I've been trying a lot of things, trying to change as little as possible, and it just isn't working. I thought if I kept as much the same as I could that it would be easier to deal with what was different. Problem with that is that everything is different. Being left, feeling alone, not having my person by my side......it changes you as a person. So it's impossible to remain the same.
Ugh. Have I mentioned that this sucks?
My decision today came after realizing that I was looking at the happiness in everyone else's life and feeling bad about all my shit. Facebook will do that to you. If you stop and think about it you will realize that there are two different kinds of people on Facebook. (1) The bragger. The person who only posts the best of their life. They make it look like a fairytale and if you don't stop and think about it you can start feeling REALLY bad about all things you don't have compared to them. (2) The complainer. This person posts about everything that's wrong in their life. How their sandwich was soggy, their job sucks, how sick they are again. For me this person makes me mad. I want to scream at them and say "You have no idea what bad looks like! Your cold coffee has nothing on my crappy divorce!". But.....it's Facebook. I don't have to be on it. I don't have to read what they post. It's really my fault for getting upset by something someone else posts. So my decision today was to say goodbye to Facebook. I need perspective. I need space. I need time. Life right now has to be about me. I work myself up enough as it is! I don't need some random person 3,000 miles away making me jealous of their lazy Saturday night cuddled up on the couch with their husband or the people who are celebrating anniversaries who got married the same year we did. Right now I'm not strong enough for all that.
But I am strong enough to realize I can control what I see and when. So goodbye Facebook.....it's been nice but I'm moving on. Whether by choice or not I'm changing and growing and realizing that it's ok to choose me. We live in a world of technology so Instagram will stay active, email will stay open. And of course there is always the old fashioned phone where you could take the risk and be extra personal and actually call someone up and say hi! What a thought.....
"you could take the risk and be extra personal" hahaha. I love that. also, you are so right!! limiting my intake of other people's nonsense was so beneficial to me at so many different times. you're so on point!
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