Snowball Effect
My close friends know that I'm getting divorced. Most of my place of employment knows (not by my choosing). My immediate family knows. The extended family not so much. I just don't have the energy to listen to their opinions, whether positive or negative, quite yet. The time is coming though and I'm dreading it. What exactly do you say to your grandparents? Or your aunt who is divorced herself and warned you about changing your name prior to even being married? It just sucks. However I've already gotten off track because I didn't sit down to write about the people who don't know. I sat down to write about a couple of people who do know.
Last night a friend of mine invited me and the puppy over for dinner. She lives nearby with her guy and they had some company in town. I thought it sounded fun so I headed over feeling really proud of myself for saying yes despite having already changed into my Pj's! It was one of the first times I had been invited since the divorce and my friend knew what was going on so I trusted her. But here's the thing....she also invited three other friends who all are either married or seriously dating and they all brought their dates. So there I was surrounded by four couples who all wanted to hold hands or kiss or tell me how cute my dog was and how they had been talking about getting a dog. Please. There is no way in hell that all four couples are all thinking about getting a dog. It was nice of them to try and talk with the single gal but have people lost so many social skills that they can't think beyond what is right in front of them? It felt like I was there as the hired entertainment. Or rather I was the chaperone of the hired entertainment.....Henry.
It sucked. It hurt. It felt so incredibly wrong. How I made it through dinner is beyond me. I left soon after, using the excuse of it being a long week and needing to get home, blah blah blah. They said goodbye quickly, returning to their conversations about their last date or whatever before I even got out the door. As soon as I hit the sidewalk the tears started falling. I've never been the single one before. Even if I went to something alone I had the ex in my mind, happy to get to go home to him at the end of the night. Last night there would be no such luck. I called one of my best friends, left a message on her phone and couldn't keep the tears back. It just fucking hurt. And then because things couldn't possibly get worse (WRONG) I decided to call the ex. I wanted him to hear how hurt I was, assure me I would be ok, love me, listen to me. You know what? He answered but was on a date with the girl he met two weeks before telling me he wanted out. The girl who he already loves and sleeps with and makes feel special. So I left a party where I felt so left out and alone, walked home crying, and then found out that my ex was on a date. Wonderful night I tell you.
I feel like I should explain what the ex and I are doing in a bit more detail. Most girls would never call their ex in the above situation. I'm not most girls. As I've mentioned before, we agreed to be friends. We agreed to remain family and celebrate with each other and share with each other and just hold onto all the love that we still have. It hasn't been easy. In fact since finding out he is already seeing someone else I've threatened and almost walked away many times. It hurts. It's disrespectful. It's fucking insensitive. If telling me he wanted a divorce wasn't bad enough, telling me he already had someone new was. It's about killed me. BUT......earlier this week we had a talk. We got to a good place. I stopped fighting with him about how it made me feel and he started acknowledging my feelings as valid instead of always defending himself. We made progress. I still hate it. I still wish he could make the pain go away but he can't. He has to be true to himself and I have to be true to myself. At this point I bet you think I'm nuts. You probably want to scream at me and tell me I'm crazy stupid for continuing to love this guy and want him around. I totally get it. Believe me. I've spent hours thinking about why I am allowing us to continue to have a relationship.
The answer- love. It's all about love. I love him. I always have. I always will. And right now, at this very moment, I am choosing to love him as much as I can. This doesn't mean I'm not also loving myself and putting up healthier boundaries going forward but I am choosing love none the less. He is my best friend. He is the person who knows me better than anyone else. He is "my person" (Grey's Anatomy anyone?) He thinks the world of me when I can't find one positive thing. He broke my heart. He crushed my dreams. He chose him instead of me. But he is still wonderful and deserves to be happy and I want to be there and hear about his happiness because I still believe that the love we share is enough to get us through this and to a much better place. Right now the new girl is off limits though. He knows not to talk about her unless I ask and my heart right now has no questions. Right now I want to focus on building something amazing with him that will last forever and through anything. It may not be the relationship I thought we would have but I have known for the last 11 years that he would be in my life and someone I loved forever. That is a vow I made to him and myself many times. We continue to make that promise to this very day. When we are 80 and he's a crazy old man with a wheelchair (for fun, not because he needs it) I want to still be able to call him up. It's that sort of lifelong love that you don't find with everyone. We have it. Neither of us doubt that. It's worth fighting for and crying over. It's worth every moment. It's worth the broken heart and the struggle to heal. I may be getting divorced but I haven't lost the man who loves me. How many girls can say that?
So yes, him dating hurts. So does my friend inviting me into the couples crowd without some warning. My heart wasn't ready for that. I'm still dealing with the loneliness and sadness. I took a few risks last night that ended up not paying off. Its stuck with me all day which is why this post is so long. Sometimes I just need to get the words out and see how I feel after releasing them. So far tonight I feel slightly better. There is work to do still- weeks, days, hours, minutes. Work on myself, work on us, work on finding happiness again in this new world. But for just this moment I feel proud of myself for continuing to choose love, continuing to move forward, and continuing to trust the people in my life despite opinions that I shouldn't. This journey continues to surprise me. Days get harder and not easier. Love gets stronger yet more distant. Faith and trust are quickly taking all the focus. Life keeps going.
I however will not keep going to the couples dinner parties. Not until I find some hot amazing man who will make them all jealous. There's got to be one on Tinder somewhere......
(I'm completely joking about that last statement)
Last night a friend of mine invited me and the puppy over for dinner. She lives nearby with her guy and they had some company in town. I thought it sounded fun so I headed over feeling really proud of myself for saying yes despite having already changed into my Pj's! It was one of the first times I had been invited since the divorce and my friend knew what was going on so I trusted her. But here's the thing....she also invited three other friends who all are either married or seriously dating and they all brought their dates. So there I was surrounded by four couples who all wanted to hold hands or kiss or tell me how cute my dog was and how they had been talking about getting a dog. Please. There is no way in hell that all four couples are all thinking about getting a dog. It was nice of them to try and talk with the single gal but have people lost so many social skills that they can't think beyond what is right in front of them? It felt like I was there as the hired entertainment. Or rather I was the chaperone of the hired entertainment.....Henry.
It sucked. It hurt. It felt so incredibly wrong. How I made it through dinner is beyond me. I left soon after, using the excuse of it being a long week and needing to get home, blah blah blah. They said goodbye quickly, returning to their conversations about their last date or whatever before I even got out the door. As soon as I hit the sidewalk the tears started falling. I've never been the single one before. Even if I went to something alone I had the ex in my mind, happy to get to go home to him at the end of the night. Last night there would be no such luck. I called one of my best friends, left a message on her phone and couldn't keep the tears back. It just fucking hurt. And then because things couldn't possibly get worse (WRONG) I decided to call the ex. I wanted him to hear how hurt I was, assure me I would be ok, love me, listen to me. You know what? He answered but was on a date with the girl he met two weeks before telling me he wanted out. The girl who he already loves and sleeps with and makes feel special. So I left a party where I felt so left out and alone, walked home crying, and then found out that my ex was on a date. Wonderful night I tell you.
I feel like I should explain what the ex and I are doing in a bit more detail. Most girls would never call their ex in the above situation. I'm not most girls. As I've mentioned before, we agreed to be friends. We agreed to remain family and celebrate with each other and share with each other and just hold onto all the love that we still have. It hasn't been easy. In fact since finding out he is already seeing someone else I've threatened and almost walked away many times. It hurts. It's disrespectful. It's fucking insensitive. If telling me he wanted a divorce wasn't bad enough, telling me he already had someone new was. It's about killed me. BUT......earlier this week we had a talk. We got to a good place. I stopped fighting with him about how it made me feel and he started acknowledging my feelings as valid instead of always defending himself. We made progress. I still hate it. I still wish he could make the pain go away but he can't. He has to be true to himself and I have to be true to myself. At this point I bet you think I'm nuts. You probably want to scream at me and tell me I'm crazy stupid for continuing to love this guy and want him around. I totally get it. Believe me. I've spent hours thinking about why I am allowing us to continue to have a relationship.
The answer- love. It's all about love. I love him. I always have. I always will. And right now, at this very moment, I am choosing to love him as much as I can. This doesn't mean I'm not also loving myself and putting up healthier boundaries going forward but I am choosing love none the less. He is my best friend. He is the person who knows me better than anyone else. He is "my person" (Grey's Anatomy anyone?) He thinks the world of me when I can't find one positive thing. He broke my heart. He crushed my dreams. He chose him instead of me. But he is still wonderful and deserves to be happy and I want to be there and hear about his happiness because I still believe that the love we share is enough to get us through this and to a much better place. Right now the new girl is off limits though. He knows not to talk about her unless I ask and my heart right now has no questions. Right now I want to focus on building something amazing with him that will last forever and through anything. It may not be the relationship I thought we would have but I have known for the last 11 years that he would be in my life and someone I loved forever. That is a vow I made to him and myself many times. We continue to make that promise to this very day. When we are 80 and he's a crazy old man with a wheelchair (for fun, not because he needs it) I want to still be able to call him up. It's that sort of lifelong love that you don't find with everyone. We have it. Neither of us doubt that. It's worth fighting for and crying over. It's worth every moment. It's worth the broken heart and the struggle to heal. I may be getting divorced but I haven't lost the man who loves me. How many girls can say that?
So yes, him dating hurts. So does my friend inviting me into the couples crowd without some warning. My heart wasn't ready for that. I'm still dealing with the loneliness and sadness. I took a few risks last night that ended up not paying off. Its stuck with me all day which is why this post is so long. Sometimes I just need to get the words out and see how I feel after releasing them. So far tonight I feel slightly better. There is work to do still- weeks, days, hours, minutes. Work on myself, work on us, work on finding happiness again in this new world. But for just this moment I feel proud of myself for continuing to choose love, continuing to move forward, and continuing to trust the people in my life despite opinions that I shouldn't. This journey continues to surprise me. Days get harder and not easier. Love gets stronger yet more distant. Faith and trust are quickly taking all the focus. Life keeps going.
I however will not keep going to the couples dinner parties. Not until I find some hot amazing man who will make them all jealous. There's got to be one on Tinder somewhere......
(I'm completely joking about that last statement)
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