Darkness
Well it's been far to long since I last wrote and honestly I don't have a good reason. I haven't been all that busy, not in the way most people would define "busy". The calendar sits empty most nights and the days are filled with typical things like work, walking the puppy, and watching countless episodes of The Real L Word on Showtime. My heart however has been busy. My mind even busier. I went to a really dark place over the past few weeks and I'm just now learning how to pull myself out of it.
While I haven't been blogging, I have been keeping notes throughout each day on my phone. Notes that document random thoughts or feelings I might be having. The intention with these notes is to then form meaningful conversations with the ex. Discuss things that are bothering me, get questions answered, etc. Only problem is.....well one of the many problems is.....that I start writing things down and I can't stop. The negative feels escalate, the emotions linger. Day after day I get worse and not better. I've written more than we've been able to tackle in our check in sessions (think therapy without the stranger and with the person who's caused many of the emotions.....it's both amazingly healing and incredibly frustrating all in one). So long story not so short, I wrote a ton of thoughts on my phone, shared many of them with the ex, only dealt with a few of them, and have been waiting for another opportunity to tackle them (I hope later this week).....while still adding more thoughts on a daily basis. Basically I should just blog more and maybe that will use up some of my word count for each day!
But back to the thoughts. They got bad. They got ugly. They got mean, and hurtful, and passive aggressive. They got in the way of moving forward in a positive light because many, if not all, didn't put the ex down for his poor choices but rather put myself down. Thoughts like.....
"I wasn't enough. I wasn't special enough to not want to lose"
"You have so many people handing you the life you want and taking you on trips and pursuing you. You've got so much to make you happy in the way you want to be happy. All I want is you and I can't have that. The one thing that makes every single aspect of my life more enjoyable chose to leave. I just wish I hadn't been so horrible"
"I want to leave. Not forever but for long enough where I can just cry and cry and then have some Hollywood moment where the sun shines down and everything is clear. Stupid I know but I'm desperate at this point"
"If someone I knew for 11 years and shared my entire life with doesn't want me why would anyone else?"
"There are moments where I'm not sure how to live through this. I'm afraid I will feel this broken forever"
"If I was a better person maybe you wouldn't have wanted to leave...."
I won't subject you to any more. Just know there are pages and pages of thoughts. Everything from not being good enough to dead dreams to still feeling so much love. I've developed severe ADD in the past couple of months. My brain never turns off and quickly goes from positive to negative to sad to angry to content all within a span of five minutes. It's exhausting. So basically I spent a few weeks having these thoughts and spent close to 24 hours with the ex trying to sort through some even deeper things (out of respect to him I won't share details). I still felt like crap so I did something else. I told my friends that I wasn't ok. I actually admitted that I wasn't ok and that this sucks and that my heart is broken. I told the truth in every way and strangely enough just saying "I'm not ok" helped immensely. They all encouraged me to keep blogging and to keep sharing as I continue through this process. So here I am.....back to the blog and hopefully back to an emotionally safe place within myself to figure some tough things out and just learn how to be me.
I'm a work in progress. But I have learned through the help of many people in the last few days one very important lesson. I am worth it. I am enough. I am wonderful. If I know that, it doesn't matter if anyone else does. I am worth love and commitment and respect. I am enough because I love deeply and always put others above myself. I am wonderful because I try and respect others and think of their feelings even if they are causing me pain. I'm still horribly sad and hurt and feel disrespected. I still feel like I lack control and I know I have a long way to go. But I am enough and always have been.
It's a start.
While I haven't been blogging, I have been keeping notes throughout each day on my phone. Notes that document random thoughts or feelings I might be having. The intention with these notes is to then form meaningful conversations with the ex. Discuss things that are bothering me, get questions answered, etc. Only problem is.....well one of the many problems is.....that I start writing things down and I can't stop. The negative feels escalate, the emotions linger. Day after day I get worse and not better. I've written more than we've been able to tackle in our check in sessions (think therapy without the stranger and with the person who's caused many of the emotions.....it's both amazingly healing and incredibly frustrating all in one). So long story not so short, I wrote a ton of thoughts on my phone, shared many of them with the ex, only dealt with a few of them, and have been waiting for another opportunity to tackle them (I hope later this week).....while still adding more thoughts on a daily basis. Basically I should just blog more and maybe that will use up some of my word count for each day!
But back to the thoughts. They got bad. They got ugly. They got mean, and hurtful, and passive aggressive. They got in the way of moving forward in a positive light because many, if not all, didn't put the ex down for his poor choices but rather put myself down. Thoughts like.....
"I wasn't enough. I wasn't special enough to not want to lose"
"You have so many people handing you the life you want and taking you on trips and pursuing you. You've got so much to make you happy in the way you want to be happy. All I want is you and I can't have that. The one thing that makes every single aspect of my life more enjoyable chose to leave. I just wish I hadn't been so horrible"
"I want to leave. Not forever but for long enough where I can just cry and cry and then have some Hollywood moment where the sun shines down and everything is clear. Stupid I know but I'm desperate at this point"
"If someone I knew for 11 years and shared my entire life with doesn't want me why would anyone else?"
"There are moments where I'm not sure how to live through this. I'm afraid I will feel this broken forever"
"If I was a better person maybe you wouldn't have wanted to leave...."
I won't subject you to any more. Just know there are pages and pages of thoughts. Everything from not being good enough to dead dreams to still feeling so much love. I've developed severe ADD in the past couple of months. My brain never turns off and quickly goes from positive to negative to sad to angry to content all within a span of five minutes. It's exhausting. So basically I spent a few weeks having these thoughts and spent close to 24 hours with the ex trying to sort through some even deeper things (out of respect to him I won't share details). I still felt like crap so I did something else. I told my friends that I wasn't ok. I actually admitted that I wasn't ok and that this sucks and that my heart is broken. I told the truth in every way and strangely enough just saying "I'm not ok" helped immensely. They all encouraged me to keep blogging and to keep sharing as I continue through this process. So here I am.....back to the blog and hopefully back to an emotionally safe place within myself to figure some tough things out and just learn how to be me.
I'm a work in progress. But I have learned through the help of many people in the last few days one very important lesson. I am worth it. I am enough. I am wonderful. If I know that, it doesn't matter if anyone else does. I am worth love and commitment and respect. I am enough because I love deeply and always put others above myself. I am wonderful because I try and respect others and think of their feelings even if they are causing me pain. I'm still horribly sad and hurt and feel disrespected. I still feel like I lack control and I know I have a long way to go. But I am enough and always have been.
It's a start.
so raw, so vulnerable and so on point. what a process. a process I wish you never had to experience, but one that you are still handling so very gracefully. I'm proud to call you friend. I
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