Time

You often hear people say that things get easier with time. When it comes to divorce I suppose in a twisted way that could be true. The shock has warn off, the initial stab of the rejection has started to heal, and you no longer have to relive it each time you run into a friend or family member who hasn't heard yet because by now everyone knows. But let me be blunt. Time doesn't make what has happened to you better. It just makes it different. It makes you different.

As time has gone on I've been forced to learn how I feel, why I feel that way, and what I'm going to do about it. Now imagine having thousands of thoughts about getting divorced swirl around in your head everyday and you might be able to see why just making it through some days is exhausting. I will admit that as time has gone on the number of different thoughts have decreased, leaving only the really important ones for me to ponder and struggle with for hours on end. Over the last few weeks I've spent countless hours reflecting on my progress and where I'm currently at. I've hit a few walls- issues I can't seem to let go of or feelings I can't seem to ignore. When people ask how I am I tell them I'm ok and I'm sure I look that way on the outside. I wake up and smile and take the pup for a walk. I laugh with friends and still enjoy crappy reality TV. I've started to slowly open up my heart to dreaming again. Time has allowed me to do all this. But don't get me wrong. I struggle every single day with the sadness of losing my everything. That's what he was- my strength, my rock, my comfort, my love, my person. And I know I'm one of the lucky ones if there are any lucky ones when it comes to divorce. He and I still share love and respect and he is still only a phone call away if I'm in need of anything. But time will not bring him back to my life in the way I had always believed would be true. Time will teach my heart to absorb the love and let that be enough though. Of that I am certain.

Today I can say without a doubt in my mind that this journey he and I are on is one of the most amazing experiences imaginable. I am thankful every day for the opportunity to still be his person and for him to be mine. To still be the one he talks to and learns from and cries with. To still get to go on wonderful adventures with him and laugh with him and get many of his wonderful hugs. I am truly blessed. Love......love is an amazing thing and to get to say that I have loved him from the young age of 16 and get to continue to do that for the rest of my life despite this huge life change. Damn. I'm lucky and I know that. Time has shown my heart that love is worth every tear and every doubt. He shows me love everyday and for that I will be forever grateful.

I'm sure to many my talk of love and thankfulness towards him is confusing. I get that. The word divorce has such a negative connotation but what we are doing is special and that leads to new outcomes and a path that the two of us truly get to build together. There are still many obstacles to overcome and we are far from out of the woods. I still have my moments where I don't think I can do this and my moments where I call him names. You will continue to read about my struggles and I'm sure my overactive brain will have moments where love is pushed to the side. I am still not ok but I am loved and for now that is what I am choosing to focus on. Time will take care of the rest.....at least that is what everyone keeps telling me.....