Catching Up
It's been a long time since I've written. Perhaps because I've been so busy or perhaps because a part of me got fed up with thinking about divorce all the time. I reached a point back in August when I got really mad. Mostly at myself surprisingly enough because I just didn't want to be sad anymore. I hated waking up every day and thinking about everything the minute my eyes opened. I hated the feeling of being ignored when he wouldn't text or reach out. I hated that I wasn't over him despite him being over me.
September proved to be a very hard month because I couldn't find a way to get past the regret and the fact that my life had been pulled out from under me. Work started back up again which proved to be a good distraction but I found myself having anxiety and panic the minute I would get in the car at the end of the school day. The same thing happened last spring when all of this was just starting. My motto has always been "leave it at the door" and for the hours I'm at work I can do that. But then the minute I get in my car I just wanted to cry. I didn't know what to do so I told myself to forget about the divorce. Forget about the past and only think about the here and now. Want to guess how well that worked?
At first it did work. I had a couple of good weeks and I was starting to feel better about the way I was handling all the emotions. I wasn't frustrated with myself or feeling like I needed to overthink anything. But then I moved to a new place the first of October and started to take all the boxes out of storage.....the boxes that had been there since we packed them up together the year before (we had been living with my parents to save money prior to the divorce). Opening boxes upon boxes of wedding presents and picture frames that still held memories of the happy us. Gifts he had given me came to the surface and all I wanted to do was throw every single thing away and start over. Even the silverware reminded me of the day we picked it out together. I wanted to love my new start in a great apartment and all I found myself doing was crying and stressing and wishing it didn't have to be this way.
But the boxes weren't the worst. I have a cedar chest that was my great grandmothers that I keep important keepsakes in. It needed to be emptied in order to be moved up 4 flights of stairs so I spent an entire morning sorting it and trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. I cried more that day than I did the day he told me he was leaving. I cried the ugly tears that you don't want anyone to see. I had kept every single card we had every given to each other in 12 years. I had photos and t-shirts and disks with wedding songs. I had a poem he framed and wrote me for high school graduation and a box full of dried flowers from our wedding. I thought I would have them to show our children someday. The question now is what was I going to do with them....
So I sat and I cried. And then I cried a little harder and sobbed some. I sorted the cards he had given me from the cards I had given him thinking he might want to take a few of the special ones. He happened to show up in the middle of my sort to pick up the puppy for his time with him. He didn't know what to say or do. He told me he understood why I was upset and asked me not to get rid of anything but he wasn't ready to look at any of the stuff yet. That he wasn't ready to go there. I was angry.....how dare he say he wasn't ready to go there when he was the one who made us get to this place to begin with? How could he not understand how horribly heartbroken I was in that moment? How could he leave five minutes later with the dog and me still crying surrounded by all our memories?
I had two choices that day. I could have thrown every single thing away. He didn't want it and I didn't know if it would ever bring back happy thoughts ever again. I decided however to keep it all. Every single card. Every single picture. Because here's the thing.....I never wanted the divorce because I loved him and I loved our life. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't happy all the time. But it was my life and how could I throw my life away? So I packed it all up and put it in an old chest we had bought on one of our post-divorce outings and I latched it and walked away. The memories are all in that chest that sits in my room. If he ever wants to see any of it he can but if he never asks to I'm ok with that also. There will be a day where some of this catches up with him and perhaps that has already happened. I admit that the time we see each other is wonderful but I can't pretend to know what goes on in most of his life.
It's December now and in many ways things have calmed down. He and I see each other once a week or so and both admit we wish it were more. We still talk and share feelings and he's there when I need to process whatever emotions I might be having. He's busy. I'm busy. Talking about the divorce is brushed to the side most of the time, both of us not ready to have that be a part of our conversations together. Today marks 12 years since our first date. A day that changed my life forever and ultimately led to where I am. We are going out to dinner. I'm hoping it will be light hearted and fun. I hope I can keep the tears from falling but I admit I haven't healed completely and there are still days where I miss him or feel an ache that I just can't get rid of. I think I've come a long way since last March when this all began....but I would be lying to say that I'm over it all.
I'm scared to settle, to get comfortable with how things are now. I'd rather still avoid dealing with my emotions sometimes and that always catches up with me. We both say we will be around forever. That the love will always be there. That no matter what happens we can depend on the other. He's my first love and perhaps the love of my life. I don't know what the future will hold and today that's ok. Today it's just me in my little apartment with my little dog feeling very thankful. Thankful for him, for the life I'm getting to live, for the opportunity to see what tomorrow holds. When I get overwhelmed I always tell myself "there will always be a next time" and today, as I feel sad about where things are and how different they are from what I had dreamed of....well....there will always be a next time. A next time to see him. A next time to make memories. And perhaps, just maybe, a next time to be in love with someone new down the road when the time is right. Because I've learned to believe in myself through this process and I've learned that I deserve a whole lot out of this world. Someone to share it with included. But for now I have my pup and my friends and my family and him. And for today that is whole lot of love to be surrounded with.
September proved to be a very hard month because I couldn't find a way to get past the regret and the fact that my life had been pulled out from under me. Work started back up again which proved to be a good distraction but I found myself having anxiety and panic the minute I would get in the car at the end of the school day. The same thing happened last spring when all of this was just starting. My motto has always been "leave it at the door" and for the hours I'm at work I can do that. But then the minute I get in my car I just wanted to cry. I didn't know what to do so I told myself to forget about the divorce. Forget about the past and only think about the here and now. Want to guess how well that worked?
At first it did work. I had a couple of good weeks and I was starting to feel better about the way I was handling all the emotions. I wasn't frustrated with myself or feeling like I needed to overthink anything. But then I moved to a new place the first of October and started to take all the boxes out of storage.....the boxes that had been there since we packed them up together the year before (we had been living with my parents to save money prior to the divorce). Opening boxes upon boxes of wedding presents and picture frames that still held memories of the happy us. Gifts he had given me came to the surface and all I wanted to do was throw every single thing away and start over. Even the silverware reminded me of the day we picked it out together. I wanted to love my new start in a great apartment and all I found myself doing was crying and stressing and wishing it didn't have to be this way.
But the boxes weren't the worst. I have a cedar chest that was my great grandmothers that I keep important keepsakes in. It needed to be emptied in order to be moved up 4 flights of stairs so I spent an entire morning sorting it and trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. I cried more that day than I did the day he told me he was leaving. I cried the ugly tears that you don't want anyone to see. I had kept every single card we had every given to each other in 12 years. I had photos and t-shirts and disks with wedding songs. I had a poem he framed and wrote me for high school graduation and a box full of dried flowers from our wedding. I thought I would have them to show our children someday. The question now is what was I going to do with them....
So I sat and I cried. And then I cried a little harder and sobbed some. I sorted the cards he had given me from the cards I had given him thinking he might want to take a few of the special ones. He happened to show up in the middle of my sort to pick up the puppy for his time with him. He didn't know what to say or do. He told me he understood why I was upset and asked me not to get rid of anything but he wasn't ready to look at any of the stuff yet. That he wasn't ready to go there. I was angry.....how dare he say he wasn't ready to go there when he was the one who made us get to this place to begin with? How could he not understand how horribly heartbroken I was in that moment? How could he leave five minutes later with the dog and me still crying surrounded by all our memories?
I had two choices that day. I could have thrown every single thing away. He didn't want it and I didn't know if it would ever bring back happy thoughts ever again. I decided however to keep it all. Every single card. Every single picture. Because here's the thing.....I never wanted the divorce because I loved him and I loved our life. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't happy all the time. But it was my life and how could I throw my life away? So I packed it all up and put it in an old chest we had bought on one of our post-divorce outings and I latched it and walked away. The memories are all in that chest that sits in my room. If he ever wants to see any of it he can but if he never asks to I'm ok with that also. There will be a day where some of this catches up with him and perhaps that has already happened. I admit that the time we see each other is wonderful but I can't pretend to know what goes on in most of his life.
It's December now and in many ways things have calmed down. He and I see each other once a week or so and both admit we wish it were more. We still talk and share feelings and he's there when I need to process whatever emotions I might be having. He's busy. I'm busy. Talking about the divorce is brushed to the side most of the time, both of us not ready to have that be a part of our conversations together. Today marks 12 years since our first date. A day that changed my life forever and ultimately led to where I am. We are going out to dinner. I'm hoping it will be light hearted and fun. I hope I can keep the tears from falling but I admit I haven't healed completely and there are still days where I miss him or feel an ache that I just can't get rid of. I think I've come a long way since last March when this all began....but I would be lying to say that I'm over it all.
I'm scared to settle, to get comfortable with how things are now. I'd rather still avoid dealing with my emotions sometimes and that always catches up with me. We both say we will be around forever. That the love will always be there. That no matter what happens we can depend on the other. He's my first love and perhaps the love of my life. I don't know what the future will hold and today that's ok. Today it's just me in my little apartment with my little dog feeling very thankful. Thankful for him, for the life I'm getting to live, for the opportunity to see what tomorrow holds. When I get overwhelmed I always tell myself "there will always be a next time" and today, as I feel sad about where things are and how different they are from what I had dreamed of....well....there will always be a next time. A next time to see him. A next time to make memories. And perhaps, just maybe, a next time to be in love with someone new down the road when the time is right. Because I've learned to believe in myself through this process and I've learned that I deserve a whole lot out of this world. Someone to share it with included. But for now I have my pup and my friends and my family and him. And for today that is whole lot of love to be surrounded with.
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