always isn't a real thing

I've always been one to have my shit together. I am always prepared, always on time, always one step ahead of whatever could go wrong. I'm type A, attached to my planner and color coded events, the person who hears you have a big meeting three weeks from next Friday and when that big meeting finally rolls around I remember to send the "go you!" text. And don't even get me started on to-do lists.....I LOVE them. I'm all those things and more.....at least I was once upon a time.

The rant above probably is what most people think of when they think of Meagan. They think put together and responsible and encouraging. But here's the thing. People change. Shocking I know, but bare with me while I try and shed some light on the me now and how she came to be.

19 months ago my world feel apart. My dreams were destroyed overnight. Even the things like work and friends and my family didn't seem the same anymore. I didn't know how to relate to anyone or anything. I was lost. I honestly don't remember a lot about the first six months post-separation. There are bits and pieces that pop into my head once in awhile and while I am forced to relive them sometimes, I'll spare you from having to relive them also. The point isn't what I remember because lets face it, there are memories that still haunt me and probably always will. The point is that my world died and my dreams died with it. It's taken me months to think further ahead than tomorrow. I just couldn't think about anything other than staying alive and sane through another horrific day without him. I shut down, I told people I was fine, I made jokes about being alone or not wanting another man to take care of because it made other people feel more comfortable. Only one friend really pushed me to say more but thats because she could relate to my hell. Everyone else just acted like I was the same Meagan just with a broken heart.

But here's the thing. When your world is destroyed your dreams are destroyed with that. Your soul changes, you aren't the same person because you can't see the world the same way. I loved being married and being in love and having someone to kiss each morning and evening. I loved walking hand in hand down the street with the curly headed boy knowing he was always going to be mine. But always isn't a real thing and being in love ends and marriage is just a commitment until one of you decides you've stopped choosing the other person and instead you choose yourself instead. My world was based on the belief that always existed and it doesn't.

Me today is complicated. Despite the heartbreak I believe more strongly today than I ever have. It's what I believe that has changed however....

I believe that love can be forever if you choose for it to be. 

I believe that broken hearts don't heal but that we learn to live with the ache of what used to be there.
I believe that dreams come true for some people and dreams end for others. 

I believe that everyone is not equal, that good things happen to people who don't deserve it and bad things happen to people who thought love was enough to get through anything.

I believe that good intentions are great but hugs and "i love you's" and purple heart emojis mean more. 

I believe that people want to understand your heart ache but that sometimes it's ok to tell them you can't let them in. That this time you are going to have a relationship that doesn't include everyone in your life. 

I believe that bucket lists work for some because they need to check things off a list to feel like they are accomplishing something in the world. 

I believe that having one or two best friends who know your true heart and mind are far more important than a bunch of people who know you from what you post on social media.

I believe in not always having to be the one who makes all the effort.

I believe in never giving up on people who have taught you things.

I believe that it's ok to be single, that a man or a woman isn't needed to validate your existence.

I believe that you should love your profession but be ok knowing that every job you do doesn't have to be your dream job.

I believe that dreaming is wonderful and works for some people but I also believe that you don't have to have huge monstrous dreams if you believe in yourself.

I believe that loving yourself is forever a work in progress.

I believe that it's ok to ask for help, ask to talk it through again, ask for a hug, or a moment, or a lifetime.

I believe it's ok to believe in others just as much as you believe in yourself. But I also believe it's important to love them regardless of if they meet your expectations or not.

I believe in forgiveness.

That is who I am today. That is who I want to be. That is the person I want everyone to know. I am more than an on time, organized, encouraging friend who is always prepared for whatever comes up. I've tried to open back up and to really start showing who I am and what I believe but I've learned something else along the way. Unless the other person/people are receptive to what I am showing them, unless they accept that the Meagan in front of them is the the Meagan I want to be.....well....unless they choose to actually see me, then I will always be the Meagan who they always knew. I will always be the same girl who thought she would get to wake up next to her best friend everyday. But unless you're just tuning in, you know that doesn't get to be my story anymore. So I guess what I'm hoping for is this. Be kind to everyone and realize we are all always changing. Change is the one always I believe in.

Keep your eyes open, your arms ready for a hug, and your heart in a place of true understanding. Ask questions if you aren't sure, understand why you believe what you believe and show the world you can do all these things and more for someone else also.

I believe in you.

#chooselove,
Meag