Celebrating Together
Last weekend would have been 5 years of marriage and technically because we haven't filed for divorce yet we could have counted it as such. But let's be honest.....when your husband tells you March 6th that he no longer wants to be married to you, you take your wedding ring off March 7th, he moves out April 20th, he starts dating someone new a few weeks later.....well....August 9th no longer is a day you celebrate being married. But in my case it was a day where I wanted to be with him. I wanted the closure I suppose although I fully acknowledge I didn't know what that would look or feel like.
He and I agreed that spending the weekend together felt right. It felt respectful to our marriage and our journey over the last few months. He found a nice little apartment in Gloucester, MA for us to rent for the one night and we took off to enjoy the beach, time together, and hopefully gain some much needed perspective. The day started off like any other with a trip to the dog park, a stop at Dunkin Donuts, and a sing along as the car headed up the coast. We were happy. That afternoon we explored a little street fair and enjoyed a few lovely hours swimming in the ocean after waiting to find a parking spot at the beach for over 30 minutes. I hate to say this but it felt normal. Normal in the sense that we were enjoying being together. Normal because we were connected and both in the moment. Normal because when I looked at him I felt love.....the kind of love you know will never leave your life. But let me be clear.....the moment he told me months ago that he didn't want to be married anymore was the last moment I saw him as my husband. I don't know how I did it but I really have been able to separate the man I loved then and the man I love now. And you want to know an even bigger secret? I love this man today so much more.
That seems crazy right? Why would I love a man who has broken my heart more than my husband? Let me explain. Things leading up to our separation were ok. I didn't see any big red flags but I also never imagined us separating ever being a possibility. We hugged and kissed. We laughed and fought. We dreamed together and dreamed apart. We were married and on the outside everything looked great. But on the inside....well....I will admit I didn't fully trust him. I knew we had our ups and downs and I knew who he was as a person. Someone who easily goes from one thing to another when the passion strikes him. Don't get me wrong. I loved that about him. But it makes it hard to feel 100% secure. So things were good, not great.
After he made his choice things were bad....it has taken a long time to get to where we are today and will take even longer to get to a place where I feel settled again. There were (and still are) lots of tears. There was a finality to things that made me question everything in my life. This man, a man I had spent the last 11 1/2 years with wanted something different. What did that mean for me? Why wasn't I enough? Why didn't he want to fight for us? But over time I have realized a few things.
(1) He did fight for us. He did choose us in the end. It might not look the way I expected but he's still in my life so he had to fight for us as people and our love because you don't tell your wife you want a divorce and then continue to be there for each other without a lot of strength.
(2) I was enough and still am but he needed to go out and explore and see what else life has to offer and frankly I need to also. No one knows that the future holds and we may find our way back together but that doesn't have to happen. We will always have each other in a way that means more then what our title is on paper.
(3) Love is bigger than anything else in this crazy world. It has become what leads me each and every moment. It guides my choices, my emotions, my life. It's hard to explain because even if you have felt love and lost love many people haven't lost and gained love in the same moment with the same person. It's crazy powerful.
(4) He is a wonderful person. I have so much respect for him and the choice he made even if I wish it had been different. He is not his decision. He is a man with feelings and so damn much love for me and most importantly for us. Sometimes I forget how hard this must have been for him.....think about it....he loves me. Still tells me every single day. But he knew in his heart we needed to go in a different direction so he had to break the heart of the person who would do anything for him. It must have been horrible (not saying my side of things wasn't). However I'm an adult who still believes in love and respect and I've got more than I know what to do with for him.
(5) Remember how I mentioned not feeling 100% secure earlier? I probably trusted him about 70% if I'm being completely honest. It was always something that bothered me. Today however I trust him 100% and I hope he could say the same for me. He has hurt me but helped build me up. He has left but always come back when I needed him. He has never stopped showing, telling, and giving me love. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the choice we made to continue our relationship the way we have is what we were meant to do. We are both in this until one of us isn't on this earth. To say I am grateful for this is a huge understatement. There are not words to tell you the comfort that this knowledge gives me. We both had our chance to walk away and instead we have fought as hard as we can to stay and build this new reality.
So there you have it. All these amazing realizations and thoughts have happened in the last few weeks and it's almost been like watching my life as a movie. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I haven't seen any light in months. The rest of the "anniversary" weekend was both healing but hard. Sunday morning we sat and just talked and caught up and cried and expressed things we hadn't in a long time. We both had cards and little gifts for each other. We knew it was the last August 9th we will spend together and as I've sat with that fact for a week now I'm ok with that. Being married to him was wonderful but it was never about the wedding for me. I just wanted to spend my life with him and marriage seemed like the next logical step five years ago. If I had to do it all again I wouldn't get married.....not because I think marriage is wrong but because our relationship changed when the title did and I'm not sure either of us ever really settled into our new role the way we had hoped we would. So next August 9th will be like any other day but I don't think either of us will ever forget what it used to mean.
Now we are looking forward to our next celebration, December 14th. The date of our first date, the day we became us. It's a day we've celebrated every year for the last 11 years and one we have agreed will always be spent together because in the end it isn't about the title or what others want to call us. It's about us. And on December 14th 2002 we became us and we continue to hold that extremely close to our hearts. I still get to have the anniversary that has always beat every other one and no one is going to take that away from either of us. No matter what the future holds it's so amazing to know I don't have to wonder what that one day will look like.....it will include us both being together.
I now come across most days as very put together and most of the time I am but I still have my moments. Do I still feel sad? Of course! Somedays it's all I can do to keep it together. Do I still wish things were different? Yes, but only because I will always believe we could have been wonderful together. Do I get angry? No. Anger will not change his mind or bring him back. I haven't felt angry for months. Do I think I will find someone else? Perhaps. I sure hope so. But if I don't right away that's ok. I have a lot of love around me to get me through until another amazing guy enters my life. Do I miss him? Every single day. Multiple times a day. But then I text him and we chat or take a walk or just say "I love you" and I feel better. He misses me also and when I hear that from him and see the effort he makes to continue to share our lives it puts my worried heart at ease.
We may not have a set date on the calendar to celebrate us again until December but I know we both take time each day to feel grateful for all we still have together. Life is about making it all work and smiling through the tears and I'm doing that. I refuse to give up on love, on us, on myself. There is a lot of work to still do but we are getting there. After months of wondering if I would ever feel real joy again I am happy to report it's happened. It happened last weekend while I sat crying next to him on the couch talking about our love and life. I felt the joy of the future and all that we still had. Love.....I tell you.....it's a pretty amazing thing.
He and I agreed that spending the weekend together felt right. It felt respectful to our marriage and our journey over the last few months. He found a nice little apartment in Gloucester, MA for us to rent for the one night and we took off to enjoy the beach, time together, and hopefully gain some much needed perspective. The day started off like any other with a trip to the dog park, a stop at Dunkin Donuts, and a sing along as the car headed up the coast. We were happy. That afternoon we explored a little street fair and enjoyed a few lovely hours swimming in the ocean after waiting to find a parking spot at the beach for over 30 minutes. I hate to say this but it felt normal. Normal in the sense that we were enjoying being together. Normal because we were connected and both in the moment. Normal because when I looked at him I felt love.....the kind of love you know will never leave your life. But let me be clear.....the moment he told me months ago that he didn't want to be married anymore was the last moment I saw him as my husband. I don't know how I did it but I really have been able to separate the man I loved then and the man I love now. And you want to know an even bigger secret? I love this man today so much more.
That seems crazy right? Why would I love a man who has broken my heart more than my husband? Let me explain. Things leading up to our separation were ok. I didn't see any big red flags but I also never imagined us separating ever being a possibility. We hugged and kissed. We laughed and fought. We dreamed together and dreamed apart. We were married and on the outside everything looked great. But on the inside....well....I will admit I didn't fully trust him. I knew we had our ups and downs and I knew who he was as a person. Someone who easily goes from one thing to another when the passion strikes him. Don't get me wrong. I loved that about him. But it makes it hard to feel 100% secure. So things were good, not great.
After he made his choice things were bad....it has taken a long time to get to where we are today and will take even longer to get to a place where I feel settled again. There were (and still are) lots of tears. There was a finality to things that made me question everything in my life. This man, a man I had spent the last 11 1/2 years with wanted something different. What did that mean for me? Why wasn't I enough? Why didn't he want to fight for us? But over time I have realized a few things.
(1) He did fight for us. He did choose us in the end. It might not look the way I expected but he's still in my life so he had to fight for us as people and our love because you don't tell your wife you want a divorce and then continue to be there for each other without a lot of strength.
(2) I was enough and still am but he needed to go out and explore and see what else life has to offer and frankly I need to also. No one knows that the future holds and we may find our way back together but that doesn't have to happen. We will always have each other in a way that means more then what our title is on paper.
(3) Love is bigger than anything else in this crazy world. It has become what leads me each and every moment. It guides my choices, my emotions, my life. It's hard to explain because even if you have felt love and lost love many people haven't lost and gained love in the same moment with the same person. It's crazy powerful.
(4) He is a wonderful person. I have so much respect for him and the choice he made even if I wish it had been different. He is not his decision. He is a man with feelings and so damn much love for me and most importantly for us. Sometimes I forget how hard this must have been for him.....think about it....he loves me. Still tells me every single day. But he knew in his heart we needed to go in a different direction so he had to break the heart of the person who would do anything for him. It must have been horrible (not saying my side of things wasn't). However I'm an adult who still believes in love and respect and I've got more than I know what to do with for him.
(5) Remember how I mentioned not feeling 100% secure earlier? I probably trusted him about 70% if I'm being completely honest. It was always something that bothered me. Today however I trust him 100% and I hope he could say the same for me. He has hurt me but helped build me up. He has left but always come back when I needed him. He has never stopped showing, telling, and giving me love. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the choice we made to continue our relationship the way we have is what we were meant to do. We are both in this until one of us isn't on this earth. To say I am grateful for this is a huge understatement. There are not words to tell you the comfort that this knowledge gives me. We both had our chance to walk away and instead we have fought as hard as we can to stay and build this new reality.
So there you have it. All these amazing realizations and thoughts have happened in the last few weeks and it's almost been like watching my life as a movie. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I haven't seen any light in months. The rest of the "anniversary" weekend was both healing but hard. Sunday morning we sat and just talked and caught up and cried and expressed things we hadn't in a long time. We both had cards and little gifts for each other. We knew it was the last August 9th we will spend together and as I've sat with that fact for a week now I'm ok with that. Being married to him was wonderful but it was never about the wedding for me. I just wanted to spend my life with him and marriage seemed like the next logical step five years ago. If I had to do it all again I wouldn't get married.....not because I think marriage is wrong but because our relationship changed when the title did and I'm not sure either of us ever really settled into our new role the way we had hoped we would. So next August 9th will be like any other day but I don't think either of us will ever forget what it used to mean.
Now we are looking forward to our next celebration, December 14th. The date of our first date, the day we became us. It's a day we've celebrated every year for the last 11 years and one we have agreed will always be spent together because in the end it isn't about the title or what others want to call us. It's about us. And on December 14th 2002 we became us and we continue to hold that extremely close to our hearts. I still get to have the anniversary that has always beat every other one and no one is going to take that away from either of us. No matter what the future holds it's so amazing to know I don't have to wonder what that one day will look like.....it will include us both being together.
I now come across most days as very put together and most of the time I am but I still have my moments. Do I still feel sad? Of course! Somedays it's all I can do to keep it together. Do I still wish things were different? Yes, but only because I will always believe we could have been wonderful together. Do I get angry? No. Anger will not change his mind or bring him back. I haven't felt angry for months. Do I think I will find someone else? Perhaps. I sure hope so. But if I don't right away that's ok. I have a lot of love around me to get me through until another amazing guy enters my life. Do I miss him? Every single day. Multiple times a day. But then I text him and we chat or take a walk or just say "I love you" and I feel better. He misses me also and when I hear that from him and see the effort he makes to continue to share our lives it puts my worried heart at ease.
We may not have a set date on the calendar to celebrate us again until December but I know we both take time each day to feel grateful for all we still have together. Life is about making it all work and smiling through the tears and I'm doing that. I refuse to give up on love, on us, on myself. There is a lot of work to still do but we are getting there. After months of wondering if I would ever feel real joy again I am happy to report it's happened. It happened last weekend while I sat crying next to him on the couch talking about our love and life. I felt the joy of the future and all that we still had. Love.....I tell you.....it's a pretty amazing thing.
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